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Query Fail #4

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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Query Fail #4





----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:17 PM
Subject: Submission

Dear Olga Gardner Galvin:

  If you're looking for some "sacred cow tipping," I might just be your man. 
  Listen, I know all about doing the proper cover letter, the "I'm submitting blank-blank  
for your consideration."  I've sent out hundreds of them, and, you know what?  That 
technique hasn't worked out so well.  So, after having read your mission 
statement, I'm thinking maybe it's time to be candid for a change.  I used 
to be a junkie in San Francisco, and I swore if I ever got clean that I'd 
never write one of those "progressive, chronological memoirs," filled with 
some uplifting message at its end, all packaged in nice, tidy sound bites.  
Mostly because, as a junkie, time does not operate like that.  Time for a 
junkie is not linear.  But it is colorful.  James Frey can sell a million 
copies, but my friend Gluehead, recently paroled from a Wisconsin jail, read 
Frey's book and he read my book, and he said that "[mine] makes Frey's look 
like 'The Bernie Mac Show.'"  And Gluehead should know because he was there 
and is one of the stars of my novel, Diary of a Lunatic in Rehab.  And I 
only began shopping this novel after my professor, Dan Wakefield, gave me 
the green light.  And Dan wrote a movie that starred Ben Affleck, so he must 
think it has at least some commercial potential.  Because we're talking Ben
Fucking Affleck. 
  Here's the plot.

Diary of Lunatic in Rehab

  The synopsis: Six monkeys the size of field mice hatch a plan to 
assassinate God, but, due to His being invisible, instead embark on a series 
of wacky adventures, including visiting some of America’s smallest cultural 
attractions and a brief stint driving an ice cream truck...


                                                       joe

From: ogardner@encpress.com
To: joeyclifford@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Submission
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 20:41:57 -0400

Dear Joe Clifford,

Unfortunately, Diary does not sound like what I'm looking for. It's not that I don't believe in its potential, commercial or literary, it's just that before I can release a published book, I have to read it through 4-6 times, very closely. I might very well enjoy reading Diary, but definitely not 4-6 times in one year. 


I'm sorry.

Olga

posted by Joe Clifford @ 12:00 PM   2 Comments

2 Comments:

At February 5, 2011 at 12:55 PM , Blogger Esther Martinez said...

That one hurt.

 
At February 7, 2011 at 6:55 AM , Blogger jon said...

Awesome! "I might very well enjoy reading Diary, but definitely not 4-6 times in one year." Who says that? Really? I mean, I can say that because I am not an agent/critic/publisher, and, of course, what I say doesn't matter shit.

I'm still laughing.

 

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