I'm Big in Japan
In our quest to decipher (i.e., manipulate) the demographics of who actually visits this blog, I finally got around to using the "stats" feature on blogspot, which breaks down things like Audience and Traffic Sources, which keywords are searched, all URLs leading here. Pretty interesting stuff. There's the shit I already knew, like that there were about 5,000 visits to this blog last month. But lots more I didn't know. Like, for instance, do you know that after the United States, the country that visits Candy and Cigarettes the most is...Slovenia? No shit. Fucking Slovenia. Now I am not above admitting that I had to Google "Slovenia" to find out where the fuck it is (it's near Austria). The next on the list is Malaysia, followed closely by Germany. I know where those two are, but can't answer why more people from Slovenia, Malaysia, and Germany visit this blog than, say, folks from England. (Or France. I love the French, but they are behind Romania, Denmark and the fucking Philippines, this despite my second honeymoon's being in Paris, where the French woman eye-fucked the shit out of me.) Not that I am not appreciative to the good people of Slovenia, Malaysia, and Germany. I just wish I knew I knew more about these countries. I mean, I get why Germans would love me so much; they are known for their melodic music, and terrific senses of humor. But I'm lost when it comes to the other two.
So let's break this shit down and go to where all the reliable info resides these days: Wikipedia.
Starting with Malaysia, I see there is lots of stuff about its history and government, with names I find hard to pronounce, and it's over there by China. All very cool. But this doesn't really tell me why the Malaysians would be so keen on C&C. Until I read about Malaysia's abundant wildlife, which comprises a lot of monkeys. Now I get it. Monkeys, as you know, are featured fairly predominantly on this blog, and they played an integral role in the original version of my memoir (back when the plot revolved around six very tiny monkeys in a Pinto on a mission to assassinate God while visiting the world's smallest cultural attractions. And, no, surprisingly, that version never found representation). Also, there's this:
I post a lot of Kids in the Hall clips. 'Cause KITH is fucking funny. And it makes Jimmy laugh. And, well, some say the sound of Jimmy laughing is better than a whole bunch of kids in a patch of sunflowers on a summer day. Plus, Malaysia's flag looks a lot like ours:
But instead of lots of twinkling stars they have, like, only one, so it's less threatening to freedom. (They also have a moon. But it's only a quarter.)
But what's my appeal in Slovenia? At first I didn't have a fucking clue. Their flag don't look nothing like ours, even if they "technically" switched to "democracy" in "198" "7".) Even though I can't pronounce any of the city names, I see they have the "highest GDP per capita of new members in the European state." That's sorta cool. I guess. And there are bottlenose dolphins along its shore, and everyone likes a dolphin. Still, why would Slovenians be the second highest traffic source after the U.S.? Then it hits me...Jimmy!
Jimmy Soyka is, like, the co-star of this blog (I won't say "Robin" to my "Batman," because nobody wants to be Robin. So let's go with the Pitt to my Clooney). Jimmy helps me with my stories, supplying plot ideas, moral support, and editorial suggestions. I am not sure he is actually Slovak. But Soyka sounds like it'd probably be from over there, somewhere.
So let's raise a hot piping mug of bujta repa to our Slovak friends, and say, Thanks for reading!
There are other interesting tidbits to be culled from he stats page, like the Keywords that get people to this site, whatever people type into the various search engines that ultimately deliver them to this blog. The most popular (and obvious) is "candy and cigarettes." This tells us that people probably know or have heard about this site but don't have the URL. Good to know. The next most popular search words are "breaking bad very long wait netflix," no doubt in reference to this post (http://tinyurl.com/3nklrwf), in which I correspond with Netflix for making me wait for my Breaking Bad discs. Kinda helpful. Other keywords are "tom pitts san francisco," "heather richotte," and "80s popular candy that isn't around anymore." I can understand these. Tom is my best buddy out here, and I went to school with Heather at Berlin High, and lots of folks from Berlin read this (that's Berlin, CT, not Germany...oh, wait), and who doesn't remember those delightful candy cigarettes? ("Look, Grandma, I'm smoking two packs a day, just like you!"). Not sure how I can use this information to my advantage, except to write more about Tom and Heather and maybe start smoking again.
The next most popular keyword(s) is..."candy zoo solo fuck animals."
Don't ask me.