When I opened my Facebook this morning, I saw an ad asking if I'd like to be a detective. I thought (to myself), "Why, yes, I very much would like to be a detective." That is why I came out to SF (for the second time) after all. My friend David Corbett, an ex PI, was going to help me. And he did. But the economy crashed, and then I started doing other...stuff, and well, now with the boy and the economy sucking I'm on to other things. Like bodybuilding and being a personal trainer. I move ambitions around so much I'm sort of like a beautiful butterfly floating through life...
Of course, this is the other thing I did. I put a baby in Justine. And Holden takes up a lot of time, which further limits my options. Plus, I'm old, lack athletic ability, my body's all fucked up, I'm mentally ill, and well this all conspires to create today's list.
A Few Things I Can No Longer Be
I'm a Son Volt song: The Army doesn't want me after what this body's been through.
At 40, I could maybe sign up for the Coast Guard or something, but with the hip and history of psychiatric hospitalizations, I doubt it. Plus, from what I understand, you have to work weekends, and that would suck. And while I (like all Good Americans) support our troops, I don't do well being told what to do, and from what I understand there is a lot of that in the military.
- Next (White) Heavyweight Champion of the World
Yeah, it's finally sunk in. I'm 40. I've never had a professional fight. After years of smoking, I still get winded easily. My reflexes have slowed considerably. And I need my hip replaced. Sorta like Rocky...but in Rocky VI.
(You can also add any sort of professional athlete to this mix, especially pitching for the New York Yankees. I'm 40 and can't throw very hard. Actually, considering the Bombers current geriatric rotation, I might have a shot.)
Actually, I'm still holding out for this one. My friend Joe Loya is writing a script and he says he might have a part for me. More than being a published author, I dream of someday making a living off my looks...
- Anything with Security Clearance, Including (But Not Limited To) President of the US
Stupid criminal record.
- Doctor, Lawyer, Rock Star...
This is getting depressing. Maybe I'm better off listing all the things I still can be.
Thing I Still Can Be
- World's Best Dad (cue collective...."Awwwwwww.")
Actually, Father's Day's come and gone, and I didn't get even one "World's Best Dad" mug, T-shirt, or weed wacker. Ingrate.
Who needs a drink?