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Writing Like a Douche in a Coffee Shop

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Friday, June 24, 2011

Writing Like a Douche in a Coffee Shop

Yup.  Crossed that final threshold.  I'm that douche writing in a coffee shop.

I'm hanging with Holden, Day Three of Displacement, drinking coffee and writing a blog post.  Self-loathing somehow bores deeper.  We're waiting for Mommy to show up so we can work out, and God willing, move back to our house on the hill...

Looking over the last few days' hits, which we chart like MTV monitoring its latest teen drama with the coveted 14- to 18-year-old demographic, we're trying to figure out what you, our target audience, want.  Since we prefer to operate in the negative, first here's what we know you don't want.

  • No Politics, No Religion, No Baseball
          These three topics are tantamount to desperation while trying to get laid: you get no play.

  • Don't Be Mean
          It be a fine line ye walk when ye talk like a pirate.  And when you are treading that razor's edge of candid, forthright, and cutting... 

  • Don't Insult Jane Austen
         It upsets my friend, Laura, and we like Laura (Hi, Laura); furthermore, since she is one of our regular readers, and we are here to serve our regular readers, we will pick a new writer to hate.

        Subtopic: Which Writer Should Now Be the Subject of Our Scorn?   Please select from one of the following:  

      a. Stephanie Meyer
      b. Nicholas Sparks
      c. Jon Page

So those are the new rules by which we will operate.  Still, doesn't tell us what you want me to write about, in terms of a topic, though I know you like 

  • Lists  
          These go over particularly well, especially the bulleted variety

  • Holden
          And I am not beyond using my kid to shill my work ("Who's a cute boy?  Wave at the computer, son.  [Holden, waving at computer screen.]  Good boy!")

  • Tales of Personal Humiliation
          Whether be tales of dating woe, rock 'n' roll failure, or attempts to cash in the this pirate craze (What?  It's not pirates; it's vampires?  Fuck), you like to read, judging purely by daily hits, the times I admit to being a tool.  Like admitting that I am writing a fucking blog in a fucking coffee shop.

That's it.  Gotta go.  (Holden waves bye-bye [looking extra cute and...hungry...])


At June 24, 2011 at 12:02 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww, thanks, Joe. Yer a real pal.

At June 24, 2011 at 2:51 PM , Blogger DSobczak said...

Nicholas Sparks should be the subject of your scorn! I'd rather be circumcised by a chainsaw than be subjected to his works.

At June 25, 2011 at 3:00 PM , Blogger Sean Craven said...

Could I put in a request for David Foster Wallace? I mean, dude's suicide equals tragedy and so on, but have you actually cracked the covers on Infinite Jest?

America's best writing doesn't happen in fiction, and I blame prep school.

At June 25, 2011 at 3:39 PM , Blogger Joe Clifford said...

Sean, Oh my God, yes! I fucking HATE David Foster Wallace, and I have made the mistake of cracking the cover of Infinite Jest, which is the ultimate case of the emperor's new clothes (and for the record, I didn't find Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius to be anything special, but I don't want to bring up Eggers and get crucified).

At June 25, 2011 at 6:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, so let's forget writers for a minute (like everybody else). What do you think of this new Nick Cave/Neko Case Zombies cover? Fair warning: I LOVE it! I want to drive forever in my car with this song on 11. If you don't, that's okay, just don't be a dick about it. :-)

At June 25, 2011 at 10:37 PM , Blogger Joe Clifford said...

I am a HUGE Nick Cave fan, and we watch True Blood at the Chateau every Sunday, so while I can't say I am that familiar with Neko Case, I am familiar with the Zombies original, and two out of three gives it a big thumbs up!

At June 25, 2011 at 11:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At June 25, 2011 at 11:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

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