I'm watching Toy Story 3
again. You might recall my admission to having watched this particular film last week with my son, Holden, and that it triggered...allergies. But I only caught the end last time, and I wanted to see the whole thing. I'm watching it by myself, since Holden is napping. But my attention might be a little diverted.
I normally don't write these things on the weekends, a tip from my pal/fellow blogger Greg Kim, who told me early on not to bother, since the Internet shuts down on the weekend. But it's Mother's Day, which brings up a bunch of shit for me.
I've done a lot of rotten things, and have been far more blessed than I should expect. I have a good life, a great wife and son, some security; I pretty much do whatever I want every day. My "career" isn't where I'd like it, sure, but there's still time, and you can't have everything. I bitch when things don't go my way, because that's what I do, and I overlook the good, because it's easier, and when something truly bad happens, I'm the first to say, "Why me?"
But not having my mother around anymore isn't right. No one should be without a mother. I know people all over don't have moms, but it doesn't make it suck any less.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a day back. When I first got sober, working hard to stay straight and do the right thing, I would wish I could go back to San Francisco and that house high on the hill, where you didn't have to try to do anything right, could just fuck up with abandon, get high, and not be bothered by failures or disappointments, because you can't fail if you don't try, and so you can't be disappointed. These days, when I think if I could have just one day back, I'd like to spend it with my mom. I'd like to take her to lunch, spend the time with her that she always wanted. I'd talk to her more. I'd listen to her more. I'd say thank you more for all she did for me, and I'm sorry more for all I did to her. I'd do just about anything to have another day with her.
But it doesn't work that way, does it?
I've got my own family now. My job on Mother's Day is to make sure Justine's day is special, help Holden pick out cards and presents, do the little things to let her know how much he loves and appreciates and needs her. And I'll try to steer him right as he gets older so that when she's gone, because we all go, he isn't sitting around feeling like I do right now.
I love you, Mom. Hope I see you again someday...