Top Ten Insults I Have Received from Women
So I was driving with Justine the other night, and she started complaining about how unromantic I am, how cynical, how jaded I've become in my ripe old age of 40, especially when it comes to the subject of...love. How can you explain personal pain? I tried. I started talking about how I used to be a wide-eyed, optimistic rube, before delving into an long (and unadvised) rant about how my "trust" and "love" earned me her kind taking a collective dump on my heart. Which went over about as well as you'd think. She got that wrinkled brow, nose crunched like she'd just smelled a terrific fart, and said, "What are you talking about? What is wrong with you?"
So how did I end up like this? Let's break this fucker down, High Fidelity style.
The Top Ten Insults I Have Received from Women/Girls
(Some names have been changed, some have not, and for the truly evil, they have been omitted outright)
10. "I'm going to stand over here now."
Some girl dressed like Parker Posey from Dazed and Confused, Halloween Party, 2006
C-Love and I had thought it would be a great way to meet girls at the Halloween party if we dressed like the gay cowboys from Brokeback Mountain. Reassessing shortly after arrival, not so much. I'd been told I looked like Jake Gyllanhall (which I don't, and never have), C-Love like the recently dead Heath Ledger. I don't know why we thought two grown-ass men going as matching homosexuals would be a good way to pick up girls. Alcohol might've been involved. Or maybe not. In San Francisco, where I was from, this would have been ironical and well received. In Miami? Not so much. My self-esteem was already reeling from my second divorce, and I've never been particular smooth picking up the ladies. It was an ugly night. By the time I got up the courage to talk to Parker Posey (and if I am not mistaken, C-Love might've "brought her over" to talk to me, never a winning move), I was mumbling and staring at her shoes. Resulting in long periods of silence and discomfort, until she eventually said what she said, the rejection made worse by the fact that I'd just spent $200 on a cowboy hat, boots, and buckle, to go to a Halloween party (at 36) dressed in matching gay cowboy costumes.
9. "Yes, I am busy Friday night. But even if I wasn't, I still wouldn't go out with you."
8. (8, 8, 8, I forget what 8 was for...)
"And your little friend can come too."
Some girls at an amusement park, to my younger brother, 1984
My younger brother Josh has always been bigger than I am. He's 6'5", pushing 300 lbs. He played football, wrestled. Like our father, he's a big dude. Because of this, I have always been thought of as small. But I am not small. I am 6'1", 210 lbs. That is not fucking small! You hear me? I am a big fucking guy. I can bench press a shit ton of weight. I am fucking big!
6. "Call me when you get some self-esteem."
Leslie, after a Something Like Paisley show, 1987
OK. This one wasn't even said to me. It was said to Chris Judd, our rhythm guitarist. But since Leslie actually picked Chris over me, I take this one to heart. Not to pick on Chris, who was an amazing songwriter, but I was the Paul to his...Ringo's significantly less attractive cousin, Bart. Boy, we were fucked up, even then. I've always wondered what it must be like for regular dudes, the ones who can just go up and talk to girls and not start to sweat in strange places. We were like that Areosmith song, a high school loser who never made it with the ladies, only no advice, no remedy ever came with a catchy chorus. For us, the song ended there.
Nah, this one didn't stick with me, has nothing to do with why I lift weights six days a week, eat nothing but protein shakes and steak, can bench over 300 lbs., but still see a skinny little boy every time I look in the mirror, causing me to weep soundlessly inside. No. Nothing at all.
3. "I watched my cousin waste her life with a [deadbeat] artist. I'm not going to make the same mistake, living broke and hungry. You have no work ethic, and you'll never be able to get me the things I want out of life."
2. "I do."
My second ex-wife, our sham of a wedding ceremony, 2005
Some resentments soften with age. And some fucking don't.